Thoughts can lead to your reality, but your truth is not always what your thoughts are telling you to be.
Those who cannot leave me alone when I want to. Thoughts running around, views creating even more ideas and more. Have you ever felt overwhelmed by an incredible amount of thoughts? I did and am, that’s why, on an impulse, I opened my computer and let my mind write about it cause it’s always better to write it together.
This morning I woke up asking myself: « How would my life be if I followed what I am thinking ? ». Well, I did conclude that it would be much messier than it currently is. I will need to do a lot for it to be worst than it is. Joking aside, we all have these magical thoughts flying around our minds. Telling us to dream big because we’re capable of so many things or less pleasant, we should stop and quit because we are not that good after all.
I let these thoughts lead me, making me act based on what I was thinking and not what I was capable of doing, capable of being. My authentic self is the one that I am not when I feel particularly excited or depressed. It is the one I am, a tiny part of the one that I was and will be. Some months ago, I remembered opening my computer and trying to write. Trying so bad to be my best, to write my best about the most exciting subjects even if it wasn’t what my inner-self wanted. « Why ? » you would ask me. Well, maybe because I was a people pleaser, or we are all somehow raised to be people pleasers. We all seek validation, want to be seen and listened to, and want people to tell us that we did our best; like a little child that you congratulate on his excellent action.
Then now, what happens when you don’t have what you seek, when you know you are not doing your best, when you think people would want you to do better? You can decide to quit like I did when I was not satisfied with my writing. Leaving is the easiest way to safety. You aren’t exposing yourself to danger, to the world. Still, it is also the best way to lose your growing self-confidence, to close what your inner self thought you could do. Every time I quit, I felt less skilled, like I wasn’t a good and exciting writer anymore.
That is not how I wanted to feel and want all of you to feel cause that is not true. Skilled we are, worthy even more. We are learning skills by doing, not by quitting. I will know how to write better by writing and find subjects by searching. « And if it isn’t interesting? If nobody read it? If you are writing nonsense as you sometimes are ? » these nasty random thoughts will tell me. Then if those things happen, it is ok because at least I tried. I tried, and I will keep trying. We will keep being proud of trying because life is trying, trying more and more to find what makes us feel alive. What and who is making us feel free to try like a baby who’s learning how to walk, falling and waking up to be proud to be able to walk finally. Not because the others are but because he wants to find his place in the world. 🙂
I don’t even know what the actual subject of this essay is, but I wanted to share my thoughts with you. For my fellow French speaker, I wrote in English because it was the language that felt natural to me when I started typing the first words. It sometimes feels like it. I wish you peace, freedom and happiness 🙂
~Livelyxia~ 